The Purest Water in the Land

Written by CJ Burkey.

Updated: 2017-02-21

There was once a rock, an all-powerful rock. He was known simply as "The master rock of the universe as known to mankind at the present," or Rocky for short. Rocky lived a few feet off a path in the unknown village of "A nice little place to vacation, unless you dislike Africa; if that's the case try Canada," or Chiefland for short.

The little path has a name, but no one is able to pronounce it, so most just call it "The Path of Life." There were only 2 people who knew for sure that this is where Rocky lived. Rocky doesn't particularly like these people, they like to threaten to reveal his location to the world if he doesn't give them what they wish for.

This, didn't matter to Rocky, that is, until he learned of the people's hatred of him. His lack of authority in the village was stressing the chief, who wasn't used to actually having to work after his father died. Rocky had known of the awful things people did to rocks in that village, and he wasn't prepared to be turned into a makeshift axe that might work on two or fewer trees.

One day, Ajayakayuyu, one of the villagers who knows of Rocky's location came walking up, as he usually did when he was feeling a little down. He began to speak,

"Oh fine leader of the universe as mankind currently knows it, I wi-"

"You can call me Rocky, I've been thinking of changing that name for a while."

"Well, Rocky, I was just thinking that, well, I would really like the newest well."

"A well?"

"Well, yes, a well. The Drinker 3000 to be specific."

"Well, I can see-" said Rocky before he was cut off by Ajayakayuyu, "It promises to clean the water!"

Rocky didn't like the sound of this. He knew everything that happened in the village, but that's not to say he can change how it happens.

"Aj, can I call you that, by the way?" said Rocky, thinking slowly, and speaking slower, "Do you really want this Drinker 3000?"


"How badly?"

"Very, very, very badly!"

This was unfortunate, Rocky was hoping he didn't. Rocky finally agreed that if Ajayakayuyu found the purest water in the Sahara, from the gods themselves, within the week, he would summon the Drinker 3000. Rocky couldn't actually summon anything, but this would give him some time to think.

So Ajayakayuyu searched far and wide in the Sahara, searching every oasis he came across. Finally, on the sixth day, he discovered the purest water known to the planet. He pulled out his scoop. His iPhone 6+ fell out of his pocket as he was doing this, however, and fell right into the pure water. Rather than sparking and blowing up half the planet, it's screen showed the battery icon for a second, and in the top right, a 55% turned to 100%.

Ajayakayuyu ran back to the village as fast as he could to the spot where he knew Rocky would be, only to discover that he wasn't there. This was strange, partly because Rocky hadn't ever moved before, and also because rocks aren't known for their speed.

Little did Ajayakayuyu know, Rocky was a rare species of rock that can sprout legs if it's really necessary, he was also an almighty being. He crawled away in the night, leaving only a trail of disturbed dirt behind him. Ajayakayuyu followed the trail back to the Sahara, and discovered that is ended in the oasis with the phone-healing water. Unfortunately, Rocky was a rock, and as such, generally could fit into any rocky environment, including the pebbly bottom of a pond of pure water.

Ajayakayuyu never got his Drinker 3000, but he did get the new iPhone 7 for his troubles. The little pond was drained within 3 months of its discovery and one drop of water sold to the U.S. for nearly $500 because of its magical powers. One unfortunate side effect of Ajayakayuyu's greed was that the village ran out of water. Turns out the little pond was the infinite source of the village's drinking water.

Rocky was never seen again, but hundreds of people flock to the path where he used to lay, hoping for an event called the "Rockus Returnum" foretold by the second person who knew of Rocky's original location, Boburobuty, the chief of Chiefland.

One day, nearly a hundred years after the village was abandoned, a piece of paper was found, by a weary traveller, sitting in the bottom of the long dry pond-bed, it read simply, "Don't threaten me."